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As a ‘polygamous heterosexual’ by nature, I don’t see myself better than my homosexual friends in many areas where I struggle. But this is no excuse for neither me nor you.
(Homosexuality: thoughts from
my distorted heterosexuality I)
How difficult it is to talk about this subject! Right? Whatever I might say, it can be misunderstood:
I might be a legalist who condemns without reflection, accused of being a homophobe, a fundamentalist or, directly, a fool; or, on the other side, they might say that I have lowered the message of the gospel, or “the Scriptures say…” followed by two or three verses mentioned literally and out of context to strengthen their point of view and seeing me as a threat that dilutes the message, etc. Lately, we all keep getting hit, from everywhere.
Maybe if I do my job properly I will get negative and positive reactions from both sides. May God protect me!
Our reactions are too strong, I think, and simplistic. We underestimate our hearers or readers, expecting the unmerciful truth to be transforming, but it is not.
Moreover, it is impossible to approach this subject in an unbiased manner. Everyone, whether we acknowledge it or not, have a “a priori” determined by our background, personality and expectations or interests that regulate our disposition to accept one point of view or another one.
As for me, I will try to do it from my own pain, and my grief and struggles, with all the empathy I can get from all this, trying to be honest, truthful and faithful to what I believe the Word of God is teaching us today.
Because I heartily believe that God has spoken and if He hasn’t, we are condemned to live in a world where only the opinions of the majority or the “experts” are Law, although in fact without Him, they are just opinions.
However, if God has spoken, there is hope. I believe that in the Bible, in its complete meaning, and in Jesus, in its specific meaning, we can find the reassurance that God is present, and that He is not silent. I won’t (brazenly) quote it, but it will be “there”. Moreover, I will use some of the tools which I have acquired as a psychologist analysing the human being.
I don’t limit myself to any psychological school. I only consider myself a son of God which, far from sounding presumptuous, is a blow to my ego, as God knows I don’t deserve to be His son and I will never deserve it by my own merits.
This subject really concerns me, firstly, because of the way the church is reacting. We have become serious, maybe rightly so, but the unfair treatment is notable: We don’t raise our voices so much when our countries get in faraway wars and kill countless civilians. We neither speak up because our lifestyle is the direct cause for the poverty in most of this world, or because prostitution is one of the most lucrative businesses and where money is moved the most.
I think we should review our attitudes regarding some issues and the reasons why we don’t consider others as important. I’m saying this as homework for believers.
This is the reason why I don’t want to talk from the top of the tower of morality, where some religious leaders seem to live. Without empathy, it is impossible to be Truth. Neither from the populism that is inbuilt in silence: who remains silent, concedes or, in the worst case, who remains silent, conceals, lies or is a coward. Without truth, we can’t see others and be empathetic. If I’m mistaken or I’m not radical enough in either of both sides, I’m sorry, it is not my intention.
And now it’s my turn to take a stance.
However, I cannot do it from any other place than my own fault, my weakness and my own contradictory world, and an existence based on God’s grace:
I admit it; I’m a polygamous heterosexual by nature. Many anthropologists say so and, based on my internal experience, I confirm it.
If I let loose of my desires, it would reflect what I’ve just said, I don’t know whether I would be married and I would probably weigh thirty kilos more. It might be that this tendency is in my genes, or I might have learnt it.
Maybe there have been circumstances around me that have led me to be this way, with or without me being conscious of it. Maybe I am the fruit of some childhood trauma or, simply, I have used my own freedom willingly…
However, I believe that none of these are excuses. For instance, regarding my “natural tendency” (nature), I am more than an animal and I have the “capacity” to be responsible and choose what I want to be. For this reason, I’m forming a monogamous family with my friend Geraldine. She helps me to look after my diet and tries to be more in agreement with my corporal, cerebral, emotional, social and spiritual structures. Am I restraining myself? No, I am surpassing myself, I am making myself more human and freer.
We all know, and we all intuitively see anyone who is lying to his wife or is incapable to control his own impulses as disgusting. Someone like this is not more free, but less. And, personally, I love my wife, but I also love hamburgers. But no, I don’t want to put on weight.
Moreover, I am not what I feel. If this was the case I would live in the dictatorship of sensations and every time I would give in to them they would have more power over me, even to determine my identity and label me completely, transforming a sensation into a lifestyle: I would be a drug addict or an alcoholic, a hooligan, corrupt, lazy, selfish, a liar, a skirt chaser, a glutton, religious, fault-finding, jealous, a workaholic, etc.
And if this kind of people gathered, we could even agree on a day where every year we would proudly celebrate our label, because the labels that we impose on others have a lot of power in the development of an identity.
It is so easy to mix up my deep self with those impulses connected with the gonadotropins, which made me to fall in love with a different girl every week 17 years ago. That’s what I felt, it was my truth. It was my lie.
For this reason, I find some arguments based on “what I feel” to determine my sexual tendency weak. The human being is complex and feels different things, reacts in different ways and if one of them is reinforced, it is normal that this one ends up overshadowing the others.
Obviously, this issue is much harder to explain, for sure. And it’s for this reason that I want to write in a conversational manner, giving time for answers, if you want to have a conversation.
However, there are other issues that are deeper, like, for example, the definition of love. And, for me, here can be found one of the keys. Love is a commitment and a selfless devotion, but many are redefining the committed love as a sublimation of the sexual attraction. I think this is a mistake.
I strongly believe that, as a heterosexual, I have at least the same capacity to love someone of the same sex as a homosexual, through a strong and deep friendship, based on commitment, without there being any kind of attraction or physical desire based in my sexual hormones, for which the “primary” sense of existence is reproduction.
It might even be a more authentic love, as there wouldn’t be any low interests that could make someone suspect I’m actually looking for something else, which does happen in any sexualised relationship. Let’s not mix up chalk and cheese.
Each human being is unique and full of very different, diverse, determining, paralysing or liberating stories, and it is very difficult (or I would say impossible) to judge with fair judgement, because we never have all the details that have defined that person in the present. The wisest man that has ever existed told us: “Don’t judge…” and many other gems that I don’t fully understand but that taste of truth. I keep struggling with the rafter in my own eye and who knows if I will end up inspiring someone to do the same, even though they might only have a thread in comparison.
For these reasons, I, a polygamist heterosexual by nature, don’t consider myself better than my homosexual friends and in many areas where I struggle, like in my laziness or jealousy, I consider myself worse. But this is not an excuse for me or for you. The real question is who we really are. If there really is a God, the God introduced to us in the Bible, we will be what God tells us we are. And I need to be open enough to recognise in Him what I really am. Otherwise, I will only live a lie.
Maybe according to Him I am one with my wife, I am his Son, and I am faithful from the bottom of my heart to my actions and eyes. Without Him I might not be any of this. I would not even have an objective basis to give importance to it.
Because, if the Truth doesn’t exist, everything will end up being a big lie. But God has spoken.
Otherwise, let’s eat, drink and do whatever we want, because tomorrow we will die.
Shall we continue?
Alex Sampedro is a Musician, author and international speaker.