Fifty Shades of Grey’s shadows

The world release of the movie “Fifty shades of Grey”, based on the E.L. James book, has brought on a debate about how it deals with relationships, sex, and women’s integrity.

Many campaigns both for and against the movie have been carried out worldwide, even before its premiere.

The movie has been a box office hit in many countries. It tells the story of the relationship between a student and a multimillionaire, and their sexual encounters, where the erotic games many times hide violent acts. 

MESSAGE IN THE FILM: “GIRLS CAN ACCEPT VIOLENCE”

Many women’s associations have warned about the damaging way the movie portrays romantic relationships. “There are two disturbing messages in Fifty shades of Grey”, said psychologist Maria Jesús Nuñez.

“The first message is that the guy can be sexually violent with the girl, because she will like it; and the second one says that if the girl accepts this violence, she will change her boy’s behaviour and he will stay with her. A pathological relationship is idealised and normalised,” warned Nuñez.

Nevertheless, the success of films like this confirms the relationship patterns that society is encouraging nowadays, sometimes even without realizing it.

Thinking in those patterns, Protestante Digital asked 4 Christian psychologists and therapeuts about the way our Western society portrays romantic relationships.

QUESTION: Do you think there are destructive patterns in the way our society portrays love and romantic relationships? If there are such patterns, which ones would you highlight?

MARCOS ZAPATA, family therapist and pastor.

Answer. “Yes, I believe that, despite all the educational programs we have (which are clearly insufficient), unhealthy love patterns are showing up in our environments. There are a lot of myths about love that are very harmful. The fairy tails, TV, movies, magazines, portray an image of love that is not real. These created myths lead to frustration and make us suffer.

Some patterns appear in all the current studies about youth and love relationships, and they mainly affect women:

• If you do not have a man beside you, you are nothing. Life gives us many opportunities and options, and not all of them include a couple. Having a couple is not mandatory to be happy.
• The worse he beats me, the more he loves me. There are many ways to show love. Beating is not a way to love. A man who beats us, does not love us, in any case.
• Men are jealous when they love. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and mistrust, not of love. A jealous person wants to control you, not to love you.
• He will change because he loves me. The acceptance of this myth might be used to avoid changing some behaviour. Every relationship needs dialogue and  an effort to solve conflicts together.
• Love implies unconditional surrender. We have to make sacrifices for the sake of  our relationship, but when we forget to respect ourselves we will become dependant on our partner, and we forget our own interests.”

A. “Sometimes we are surprised when we find 'normal' love and relationship patterns, because they are not common anymore. Society strongly encourages values like hedonism, materialism, individualism, omnipresent sexuality as a sign of social maturity, so it becomes very difficult, almost impossible, to see a relationship based on love, which implies the opposite values: sacrifice, renouncement, spirituality, commitment, maturity, intimacy…

Nowadays, romantic relationships are set up around sex that is seen as an essential value upon which other values are built.

What it happens in 'Fifty shades of Grey' is not very different. Its identity is based on the negation of the other (another current strong value, especially if it means our own satisfaction).

This is one of the reasons why romantic relationships are so short these days. Most of them will not survive the 'first hurdle' if  they do not satisfy what the society demands, like the other’s appearance.  Or the satisfaction it can give to me, putting sex at the top of the list, because my partner’s priority needs to be my sexual satisfaction.

We can clearly say, although it may sound rude, that romantic relationships have become a place for miserable men and women, not only outside our churches, but also inside. Because, looking at the way we behave, we have assumed many of those values.”

SARA MORENO. Psychologist and writer. 

A. “Yes, there are destructive patterns. One that worries me is the chauvinism of youth who believe that jealousy is normal when you love someone.

Literature, movies, songs, fairy tales, talk about relationships where aggressive behaviours are described as “passionate”, but is it passion or selfishness?

Maybe the problem of this and other destructive patterns is that society does not know or it does not understand what it truly means to love someone.”

A. “Yes, of course there are destructive patterns in our society. Mainly because it is very difficult for us to truly love someone. Maybe we do it better when there is passion, but when this decreases, selfishness emerges and we have to make a real effort and be willing to truly love. If this does not happen, the relationship will easily deteriorate we even will end up breaking up.

There are symmetric interaction patterns in a relationship which can work, but they end up many times in a fight for power that harms the relationship. On the other hand, there are complementary interaction patterns that can be successful, but sometimes we see a very rigid complementarity which  gives the whole control to one of the partners, and that harms the relationship too.

Both interactions patterns can be healthy, but at the same time, as I have mentioned, they can also imply a lack of respect and end up violently.

Lastly, I want to mention the obsessive love, very possessive, that happens when one is willing to do anything for the other, even to kill the partner if there is a chance to lose her.

Keeping the balance of being one with our couple and maintain our individuality is the key.”