Navigating bath time challenges

Bath time for James… a moment in time that can be both deeply wonderful and desperately difficult; the best of times and the worst of times, sometimes within moments of each other.

For James, bath time provides the perfect dichotomy between something he absolutely loves (having a bath) and something he finds very hard indeed (transitions), and the tension that this creates for him can, sometimes, be almost overwhelming for us both.

James has always loved a bath; he doesn’t do showers any more, but a nice warm bath is something he has delighted in most of his life. Due to James’ various additional needs and health conditions, it is not safe for him to have a bath on his own, so although he is an adult,

I still need to be in the bathroom with him. This delights James, as it means that we can continue the routines that he has enjoyed since he was a young boy.

But I’m getting ahead of myself, we’re not in the bath yet, we still have the big challenge of making it that far to negotiate yet…

Bath time starts with me preparing the bathroom. This involves getting everything ready that James will need; towels, flannel, clean clothes, etc. as well as the collection of hand puppets that have to be there too (crocodile, lion, dinosaur, unicorn, in that order).

When everything is ready, James accompanies me into the bathroom and I run the bath for him (lots of bubble bath, just the way he likes it) while James sits on the toilet. His routine is to have a ‘pee’ before getting in the bath.

This, however, is where the difficulties can begin… James can often get ‘stuck’ on the toilet, unable to transition from there to the bath. He will look at the bath, be pleased to see the bath filling with soapy water, but be unable to stand up and take the couple of steps to the bath before getting in.

Sometimes James can be stuck like this for over an hour. Sometimes he might stand up, but then sit straight back down again.

We’ve learned that we have to be super patient; if we keep asking James to get in the bath, it will take longer; he has to do it in his own time, however long that takes. We just have to be there to support him when he is ready.

There are times when, after a very long time, James has got off the toilet, stepped to the bath, hovered a leg over the water, and then gone back to the toilet to sit down again.

We’ve learned that showing even a hint of frustration at this is counterproductive; we need to encourage him with comments like “Good try James, have another go when you’re ready.”

The reassurance we have is that, eventually, however long it takes, however many times he has to try, James will finally get in the bath. And once he is there, he loves it!

Once all the cleaning routines are done (hair first, then body, finally teeth), then the bath fun begins.

For over 20 years the same songs have been required at bathtime… “Row, row, row your boat” (accompanied by the puppets), “Ring-a-ring-a-roses”, “Wheels on the bus”, “This little piggy”, all featuring actions that help get James clean.

If I accidentally miss part of the routine, James alerts me to this quickly and I have to start again. But by the end of it all, James is able to confirm that he has had a “good bath” and is “nice and clean”.

The transition drama isn’t quite over yet though. James pulls the plug out and waits for all of the water to flow away before getting out of the bath, but this can be a slow transition too.

Again, there are routines to follow to try and help James here… his feet are dried, the bottom of the bath is dried, so that there isn’t the risk of slipping (James refuses to allow a non-slip mat, and once did slip in the bath getting out, something he clearly still remembers a long time later).

Eventually, James will get out of the bath and be helped to get dry and dressed again. Another bath night success!

The lessons we’ve learned from James’ bath night are important lessons for us to remember in lots of scenarios, and they may just also help you too…

1. Be prepared – make sure everything is ready

2. Follow the routines – even a small deviation can prove costly

3. Be patient – James will get there, but he has to do it when he is ready. Rushing him is counter-productive

4. Enjoy the moment – we all enjoyed bath time with our kids, I still get to enjoy that with James today; I never take for granted the privilege of still sharing that moment with him

5. Celebrate the success – always offer praise, even if it’s been a difficult time, let the last thing they remember be your positive response

For us, bath time can be the best of times and the worst of times, but the joyful moments more than make up for the difficult times, just as in the rest of our journey with James. I hope that is your story too.

Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…

Mark Arnold, Director of Additional Needs Ministry at Urban Saints. Arnold blogs at The Additional Needs Blogfather. This article was re-published with permission.