This is the fourth of six articles in a series on faith and mental health, which has explored so far: Can Christians suffer from mental health issues? Mental health: From religious stigma to Jesus’ compassion and Four Christian practices to care for your mental health

What challenges do emotional and mental imbalances bring to our relationships?

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0ne 1 in four families suffers in this area, and their suffering is often systemic, silent, unclear, and a source of disagreement and tension. [1]

Families suffer systemically

The human body is an interconnected system of organs that contribute to a person’s wellbeing. If one of those organs fails, for example by producing hormones in excess or in insufficient quantities, the entire body is affected as it tries to compensate for the abnormality.

Something similar happens with another system: the family. Our relationships connect us. When we do not function or love well, the wellbeing of the whole family is compromised.

According to Julie Tallard: “The effects of mental illness are not just limited to those with the disorders… Mental illness is a dis-ease which takes individuals and families out of balance and harmony. Mental illness, therefore, is a family disease… that leads millions of families into crisis”. [2]

Families may suffer in silence

Physical illnesses are visible, evoke compassion, and can be shared openly. Someone suffering from cancer, for example, may even ask for prayers on social media and receive much support and encouragement.

In the case of emotional and mental challenges, however, it is often unwise to share them openly. Many people do not know how to respond or react in hurtful ways, for example with anxiety, simplistic responses, judgement, or distancing.

The difficulty of explaining their pain increases the suffering of these families. “Many families remain trapped in this isolation and silence for years, hiding their fears, secretly hoping and praying for solutions. Many expect the trouble will end if they just wait it out”. [3]

Families often suffer without knowing why

Sometimes family members spend years suffering, crying out to God in prayer, or taking medication without understanding the causes of their symptoms.

Clear medical diagnoses help people understand the causes and effects of a mental health challenge on the home. But until then, their suffering can be extreme, incoherent, and debilitating.

In the masterful book The Burden of Sympathy: How Families Cope with Mental Illness, David Karp explains,

“Prior to a firm medical diagnosis, caregivers experience what I call “emotional anomie.” They are fundamentally confused by the behaviors of a family member and quite simply don’t know precisely what to feel. Such anomie reflects the sheer bewilderment of a life that has moved rapidly from coherence and predictability to chaos and disorder. Eventually, a diagnosis … provides a medical frame that clarifies the circumstance of caregivers and provokes feelings of hope, compassion, and sympathy”.[4]

Families may suffer interpretative disagreements

Physical illnesses often unite families to fight together against a clearly identified disease. The opposite can happen in relationships affected by emotional or mental health challenges, which lead people to live distinct realities and life trajectories.

The arrival of a medical diagnosis may clarify the situation — if it is understood and accepted by everyone. But it may also intensify relational tensions if it is rejected or interpreted as a personal attack.

“With greater frequency than for most physical illnesses, mentally ill persons will reject medical diagnoses, will refuse to participate in efforts to become well, will be angry and hostile toward caregivers, and will be unable to express gratitude for the care they receive… despite their best efforts, caregivers are sometimes treated as though they were an enemy by their loved one”. [5]

Interpretative disagreements caused by mental health challenges may even lead to alliances with people outside the family who deny the existence of the problem.

Just as a person addicted to alcohol may feel criticised at home but affirmed by companions at the pub, an external pseudo-family may form and remain in a tug-of-war with family members who wish to overcome those problems.

The need for clarity and compassion

Mental health challenges place enormous pressure on relationships and families, which may suffer in systemic, silent, and unclear ways marked by interpretative disagreements. They need a lot of compassion and grace!

But alongside compassion, it is important that their support networks also provide clarity in order to help them effectively. Christian leaders without training in this area may reinforce religious stigma, use their religious authority to discredit medical diagnoses, and worsen the situation.

However, partnerships between humble Christian leaders and mental health professionals can provide the help a family needs to understand its challenges, rebuild relationships, and return to a shared reality.

Notes

[1] Julie Tallard Johnson, Hidden Victims, Hidden Healers: An Eight-Stage Healing Process for Families and Friends of the Mentally Ill (PEMA Publications, 1994), 2.

[2] Ibid.

[3] Ibid., 3.

[4] David Karp, The Burden of Sympathy: How Families Cope with Mental Illness (Oxford University Press, 2001), 19.

[5] Ibid., 23, 68-69.